


Houseplant Hellpests 101: Identifying, Eliminating, and Preventing Spider Mites

by loveneedlesandhay



Series: Wicked Living: A Lifestyle Blog by Anthony J Crowley [3]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Canon-typical swearing, Crack, Crowley invented lifestyle blog, Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Sort of? - Freeform, Wicked Living: A Lifestyle Blog by Anthony J Crowley, and crowley does not care who knows he is a demon, bad digital art, crowley is also not tailoring his advice to anyone but himself, crowley writes a lifestyle blog, hopefully this is funny and silly, in this one Crowley is actually trying to be helpful, remember crowley's alignment is chaotic chaos, there's actually a literary reference in here if you can believe it, this is probably crack isn't it, who am i kidding it's me of course you can believe it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:22:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28746885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveneedlesandhay/pseuds/loveneedlesandhay
Summary: It’s not just one leaf. It’s the whole blessed plant, suddenly brown and frail and nearly dead. It’s properly terrified, though, sowhat the Heaven went wrong?I’ll tell you what went wrong. You’ve been visited by some of the worst servants of Hell. They arelegion, and if you don’t act fast, they’re going to come for EVERY PLANT YOU HAVE. You havespider mites, and these tiny hellpests are sucking the literal life out of your plants, one after another after another.The major problem with spider mites is that they’re impervious to traditional demonic attacks. They are creatures of drought and heat, residents of Dis, and thus, Hellfire doesnothingto eradicate them. In fact, it fuckingmakes them stronger.(Probably. I don’t know. I burnt a whole wall down the last time I had to deal with them, but they still fucking came for my arrowhead vines anyway.)
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Wicked Living: A Lifestyle Blog by Anthony J Crowley [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2104008
Comments: 13
Kudos: 51





	Houseplant Hellpests 101: Identifying, Eliminating, and Preventing Spider Mites

**Author's Note:**

> I'm stressed, gah, world, etc, everything, too much. I'm still grinding away at WIPs but tonight I needed to spend a few hours channeling Crowley and yelling about plant pests in his chaotic, unhelpful way. Though Crowley is actually trying to be helpful with this post! These are all his sincerely held opinions!
> 
> I don't think he succeeds in helpfulness.
> 
> This will not be the only plant care entry in his blog.
> 
> Please enjoy the dreadful art. I had a lot of fun with the third piece. I giggled a lot while making it.

**Houseplant Hellpests 101: Identifying, Eliminating, and Preventing Spider Mites**

* * *

So, you’ve decided to get some houseplants. Good choice! Plant cultivation is a tremendously rewarding and soothing hobby. Done correctly, you’ll find it reduces your stress and increases the atmosphere of tranquility and terror in your home by a factor of at least 6^8 microns.

There’s a great deal you’ll need to learn, however, if you want to turn your home into a lush, flourishing paradise—too much, in fact, for one blog post. Not to fear! As the Original Garden Expert™, I, Anthony J Crowley, am here to explain all the key tools and strategies you’ll need to keep your plants trembling properly. We’ll be starting with the methods you can use to vanquish the evil ones, some of the most malevolent, vile, damnable creatures ever Created: common houseplant pests. First up: the Spider Mite.

* * *

Picture this. You bring home a lovely little hedera helix. You settle it into a stylish hanging pot, and you have very, very strong words with it about where it is allowed to climb and what will happen to it if it clings to your walls without express permission. It knows what’s good for it, and instead its vines trail beautifully, dense and green and thriving.

And then, one day, a leaf starts to lose colour. Brown spots appear around the edges, and the leaf is thin, and dry, and dusty.

You shout at it. There’s no reason this should be happening. It cowers as it should, regretful and afraid, and you can see every other leaf attempting to perk up and look perfect. So you remove the offending foliage, and you warn the plant that it’s on thin ice. You hiss at it, too. Even coil up around it for a whole week, periodically slithering menacingly, just to remind it who’s in charge here.

And then it happens again.

This time, though, it’s not just one leaf. It’s the whole blessed plant, suddenly brown and frail and nearly dead. It’s properly terrified, though, so _what the Heaven went wrong_?

I’ll tell you what went wrong. You’ve been visited by some of the worst servants of Hell. They are _legion_ , and if you don’t act fast, they’re going to come for EVERY PLANT YOU HAVE. You have _spider mites_ , and these tiny hellpests are sucking the literal life out of your plants, one after another after another.

The major problem with spider mites is that they’re impervious to traditional demonic attacks. They are creatures of drought and heat, residents of Dis, and thus, Hellfire does _nothing_ to eradicate them. In fact, it fucking _makes them stronger_.

(Probably. I don’t know. I burnt a whole wall down the last time I had to deal with them, but they still fucking came for my arrowhead vines anyway.)

They’re also too bloody tiny to threaten. They’ve barely got any brain cells. Literally all they know to do is eat, and they fear _nothing_. I’ve menaced them with the most arcane, horrifying tortures I could think of, and they _just kept eating._

These monsters are some of the worst Hell has to offer. So: how do you recognise them, and what the Heaven can you do to stop them?

* * *

Right. Let’s go over the obvious. When you see brown, dry sections around the edges of an ivy leaf, or little bitty brown dry spots on anything else, _flip the blasted leaf over_. Does it look like minuscule spiders have moved in and build a tiny webby spider-mansion on the bottom? Yep? Congratulations. You’ve got spider mites. Look, the name was self-explanatory, why did you even need me to write this paragraph?

Whatever. As for getting rid of them, you’re going to have to be _ruthless_. You’re going to check _every single leaf on every single plant in your home_. Any leaves that have visible damage? Chop them off, individual stems too. These leaves go _immediately_ into a bucket of water and washing up liquid. Submerge them completely. When you’re done, throw them out. All the way out. If you’ve got a volcano handy, that’s the best disposal option available.

All other leaves get wiped down, front and back, with a wet paper towel (white) or wet wipe (also white). Use a fresh wipe every plant or so, and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU LET THE WIPE ANYWHERE NEAR THE EXILED LEAF BUCKET.

Anyway. Inspect the wipe after each leaf. If it’s covered with grossness—say, it resembles a handkerchief after .2 seconds in Beezlebub’s office—that plant needs a blessed _bath_. Though, look, honestly, at this stage, you might as well drown _all_ your plants. It’s safer. Even if they don’t have visible damage. If you’ve seen _any_ suspicious evidence of mites on any of them, or if they were _anywhere_ near an infested plant, you absolutely must wash them.

Now, if you happen to have a reasonably accommodating angel around, you can request that he just blast all your plants with a holy water shower. This is, _technically_ , the quickest and most effective way to eliminate any residual spider mite stragglers. Bear in mind, though, that he’s going to force you to leave the country for a good six months ( _seriously, he fucking forced me into Wales for six blasted months!_ ** _The ridiculous, overprotective bastard maintained a blessed_** ** _ring of salt_** ** _around the literal_** ** _whole of England_** ** _for_** ** _fully half a year_** ) until the sanctification wears off. And even if he promises not to coddle them while he’s plant-sitting, he’s going to _compliment_ them. He’s going to tell them they’re growing _well_. He’ll give them beatified plant therapy! You’re going to have to start all over with a regimen of terrorising and it’s going to be a complete nightmare to get them properly intimidated again.

So. All things considered, it’s better to just handle it yourself. You’ll have to repeat this process a few times and remain ever-vigilant, but at least you won’t come home to badly trained plants. So. Armed with regular, human soap (demonic soap is less effective against hell-creatures, since, remember, it literally isn’t soap at all) and regular, human, running water, you’re going to gently lather up and rinse off the top and bottom of all leaves on the endangered plants. For those plants you judge to be at less risk, just spray ‘em with a hose for a while, top and bottom. If a plant doesn’t have a full infestation, you can dislodge and smite any advance spider mite troops with water alone.

It’s critical to understand that once you can _see_ a spider mite infestation, it is too late for preventative measures. Either you follow the above steps to deal with the mites, or you might as well shred all your plants now. You should also recognise that even if you do attempt to fight the minions of Hell, not all plants are salvageable. That ivy from the beginning of the post? Total goner. Which is fine, it’s probably an invasive plant where you live anyway, so why the fuck did you buy it in the first place?

Anyway, though, once you’re past the initial eradication stage, then you’ve got a few options to prevent a new incursion.

  * You’re definitely going to need to threaten your plants, soil, and pots so that they never again reach full drought conditions. Make it clear that if they dare to dry out too much, for too long, that they _will_ be thoroughly ground up for mulch.
  * Keep up the inspection and washing routine for plants that seem particularly vulnerable for at least three months, every week or two. 
  * You can try spritzing your plants with soapy water, too, although it doesn’t actually do anything and is a waste of effort.
  * Neem oil is more effective. You’re probably confused by this recommendation if you’ve ever _smelled_ neem oil, because, obviously, like the spider mite, it is also a product of Hell. However, I have it on bad authority that the demon who invented the Neem tree utterly loathed the demon responsible for breeding spider mites, and therefore, they developed the oil’s infernally pesticidal properties specifically to piss zem off. Unfortunately, neem oil is not strong enough to repel a full invasion without _also_ making your home uninhabitable (the _smell_ , _Satan_ , I _hate_ the smell. Oh, and it might be toxic to humans) but maintenance spraying of diluted neem oil can help to prevent any remaining mite eggs from hatching.
  * You can _try_ convincing a spider mite predator to stand guard over your plants. Emphasis on try. I don’t have definitive proof that these are Heavenly agents, but they’re clearly associated with Upstairs. Don’t misunderstand— _Stethorus punctum_ and _Typhlodromus pyri_ are both _very_ good at eating spider mites, and they don’t particularly care who the infested plants belong to. However, they are very, _very_ bad at staying on task if that task is anything other than “roam around outside and eat spider mites, especially in orchards.” That’s right—everything indicates that these creatures were developed at the Beginning to be the hereditary foe of the spider mite in the Garden itself. I wasn’t paying attention to them—bit too distracted by the other trouble I was making and this cute angel I met—but I suspect their original purpose was to guard _The_ Tree from Hellpests. This hypothesis explains why _they never bloody remember to stay inside, no matter how politely you ask_. Obviously, they were given their original mandate by Heaven, and _no one ever thought to update their instructions for the modern world_. So they have no idea what to do with houseplants. Bloody _typical_.



Anyway, all things considered, your best option is to simply dissuade your home garden from ever again descending into conditions that could summon a legion of spider mites. So: yell at your air until it is just humid enough and _stays that way_. Growl at your windows until they understand that if they let a single airborne mite cross their sill, you _will_ adjust the molecular structure of their glass panes and use the resulting silicone to make butt plugs. Order your plants to make their sap less bloody _tasty_ and to keep it away from any questing gnathosomas.

It’s simple, really. Spider mites are ghastly, abhorrent, cursed beasts, and you’re right to fear them. But if you don’t know how to deal with them after reading this _brilliant_ essay, that’s on you.

**Author's Note:**

> Crowley doesn't know what microns are.
> 
> feel free to yell at me. this is turning into a ridiculous crack series i write when my brain is just going AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH and I need it to shut up.
> 
> Also, this is actually the Crowleyfied version of the advice I would actually give when dealing with spider mites, and I have successfully vanquished them before.


End file.
